one cool kid.

daniel johns. he has got to be one of my major idols.

i mean, he and his band [[Silverchair]] started out at 15.

hold on. i don't mean the started out at 15, their career as a band did. no, they got together as

12 year olds and practiced like crazy, until they won a competition on SBS for their song 'Tomorrow'

[[if you're listening, yeah, the boy could sing like that at 15]] he's now 31 and still rocking out in the same pants, with the same talent.

this prompts one big string of thoughts:

i'm 15! what am i doing that's particularly productive? nothing much...

i wish i could do something cool right now.

something so awesome, and inspiring it'll make a difference.

so, there's my goal. but here's the glitch:

to be achievable, a goal needs to analysis at all angles. 

what exactly will i do?

when will i complete it?

what skill do i need? [[i.e. how?]]

i mean, sure, i may take inspiration from everywhere, but it's kind of hard to wake up and

realise your life purpose. i want to make music. but hello, how on earth am i supposed to get there?

i want to be a photographer, someone tell me how. i've done all this research on the 

internet, wondering how i'm supposed to get anywhere. being 15 may have its restrictions, but

not enough to stop me from doing something real. now i just have to find it.

daniel johns; he looks rather crazy. but as an angsty teenager, i fully comprehend his facial expressions

pictures found on google image search

it's midnight.

this photo makes me look silly. so be it. it's not very flattering either.

it's midnight, on a friday night. 

that makes it a saturday.

 the lights are out, and all i hear is silence. it's loud. 

like a thunder in my ears. there's something missing, but i can't quite put my finger on it.

 i dare not turn the music on, someone may hear me. outside the chilly winter breeze is blowing the few stray leaves lying around along the ground, and a scraping noise suddenly comes by. 

though not a busy street, there's still a car that comes by every half hour or so. 

the eeriness slowly creeps up to me. i don't know how much longer i can sit here. i don't know how much longer i can take the constant rolling around. the constant inability.

the inability to sleep.

they call it insomnia. it's nothing unusual. i've had it my whole life. 

it's nothing unusual. mother has it too. 

it's nothing unusual. father doesn't sleep either.

but my sister has long drifted off to another world; the dream world. she's lucky. she gets to sleep. off in  trance, she won't be woken 'til morning.

a million thoughts i can see, running through my mind. when will they tire? when will they leave me alone? bothersome little things. 

in a way, they're like people. you might like some of them. but others you can't stand. 

you learn to deal with some of them, others you dismiss.

is this post not just a rambling on of my thoughts?

is this not just like a group of people? you like some of the things i say. others annoy you. like...

when people ask what if? it makes me feel like punching them. 

hopefully that doesn't sound too aggressive or violent. but then again, billy corgan is an aggressive man, and he's still damn impressive. 

at the same time, this is annoying. my heated blanket is ten years old. it's either too hot or too cold. 

but the air is somewhat cool. i can't uncover myself. it makes me feel vulnerable.

like i'm hiding. maybe there's something under my bed.

or maybe i'm trying to scare myself.

either way, it's ten minutes past midnight now. i just wasted ten minutes of my life, that i'll never get back.

ten minutes of my life i could've spent doing something else. but i didn't. i chose to write this.

because this is just an example.

of one of the little thoughts that passes through my mind.

when i can't sleep.

and sleep comes every night. so i just don't sleep. 

it angers mother. father's elsewhere. overseas. and the sister's asleep.

so i'm this 'strange child'. yes, that's how they refer to me.

they tell me i'm a free spirit. i'll take that as a compliment, though they may not see it as one.

they tell me i'm crazy. well so be it. 

it's not too late, is it?

xx rena.

haul.

guess what i got yesterday?

yep: green day and the offspring cd's! and best of all, they were free. all i had to do was make a small donation. [[i work at a charity shop]] the nerds rope was thrown in for a bit of colour and fun.

it's almost friday! which means it's almost the weekend! i'll just go crazy with my cd's.

oh, and, this weekend, i think i'm going to rename all of my clothing. with real names.
i've already started with the new monochrome chucks of mine...

left: salvador, right: pablo

i made a new blog header today, hope you like it. incorporated salvador + pablo. just the names though. it was quick. when i get the time to sit down and doodle i'll draw a real header.
xx rena.