i was pondering with a friend last night, about our lives in general, as you do, about the way we feel and the things life puts us through.
when something hits you as hard as you think it possibly could, you tend to think about it:
over-think...about it.
it's been a torturous few days for me. endless tears and listening to sad music, as one does at the end of something as beautiful as what we had: a strange poetic love that seemed to be written out for us, over the short course of 60 days, as if in some movie script or a novel. and those memories become sacred, written in the pages of a diary, withered and torn by the pen that rips the page dampened by tears that seem to splash on forever.
and i know people will tell me that i'm young, and that i don't know what love is: but let me assure you, how can you possibly know what someone else thinks, or how they feel? at the end of the day we are all human, and i think, we should not try to preach some form of pretentious wisdom to each other, but rather just try to understand. and that is a mantra i prefer to live by. there are people who are there to be teachers, and others who are there to be friends. and people who can be both are rare.
i woke up this morning feeling strangely empowered.
knowing that i have the rest of my life ahead of me, with nothing to lose because i know who i am and i sort of [note the sort of] know where i want to be in the future. and that as much as it may feel like it, it's not the end of the world. it isn't. even though you are crushed, because you made that one person your whole world, and imagined your life with them, and even as you think that they are the one individual in the whole universe you should be with, you begin to realise that time is just another friend who holds your hand whilst you heal.
and i am unafraid of the pain that is to come, because it must've mattered to something of a great extent for me to feel this strongly. you open your soul to someone who can't do the same for you, and you don't feel weakened by it: you feel stronger now, knowing that you could, that you still can. and i suppose once you love someone you don't forget about it for life: it's buried under new feelings that may be stronger, and may numb the pain you once knew.
and why do i repeat words that those before me have said? because this is my personal realisation.
and so what else is there possibly to do except to take a personal day, and write about it?
you love someone like this for the first time in your life, and you will look back on it only to smile, and maybe a few tears will well up in your eyes to remind you of how much it really did change your life.
oh, to be a teenage wanderlust.
x,
R.
