back up - wait wha-...

photo sourced somewhere on tumblr...

there's this rift i'm stuck in, somewhere between sentiment and reality. 

this conflicted dichotomy leads me onto two paths: one where i never cease to look back, and the other, on which i beg for history to commit not the fatal crime of repeating itself. 

yes, i'll readily admit, that is a fear of mine. 

and i'm not ever sure if there's a day that will come, when my head and heart align.

for it did once before, just once, when i was so sure about you.

and now it's as though the planets are shifting rapidly and i can no longer feel anything beyond numb.

it's this attempt at salvaging what could be, or admitting to oneself the true nature of what is.

but a fool i am, blinded by old flooding tears and lust. 

what next?

the asking of existential questions is natural to a young soul.

i was pondering with a friend last night, about our lives in general, as you do, about the way we feel and the things life puts us through.

when something hits you as hard as you think it possibly could, you tend to think about it:

over-think...about it. 

it's been a torturous few days for me. endless tears and listening to sad music, as one does at the end of something as beautiful as what we had: a strange poetic love that seemed to be written out for us, over the short course of 60 days, as if in some movie script or a novel. and those memories become sacred, written in the pages of a diary, withered and torn by the pen that rips the page dampened by tears that seem to splash on forever.

and i know people will tell me that i'm young, and that i don't know what love is: but let me assure you, how can you possibly know what someone else thinks, or how they feel? at the end of the day we are all human, and i think, we should not try to preach some form of pretentious wisdom to each other, but rather just try to understand. and that is a mantra i prefer to live by. there are people who are there to be teachers, and others who are there to be friends. and people who can be both are rare.

i woke up this morning feeling strangely empowered.

knowing that i have the rest of my life ahead of me, with nothing to lose because i know who i am and i sort of [note the sort of] know where i want to be in the future. and that as much as it may feel like it, it's not the end of the world. it isn't. even though you are crushed, because you made that one person your whole world, and imagined your life with them, and even as you think that they are the one individual in the whole universe you should be with, you begin to realise that time is just another friend who holds your hand whilst you heal.

and i am unafraid of the pain that is to come, because it must've mattered to something of a great extent for me to feel this strongly. you open your soul to someone who can't do the same for you, and you don't feel weakened by it: you feel stronger now, knowing that you could, that you still can. and i suppose once you love someone you don't forget about it for life: it's buried under new feelings that may be stronger, and may numb the pain you once knew.

and why do i repeat words that those before me have said? because this is my personal realisation. 

and so what else is there possibly to do except to take a personal day, and write about it? 

you love someone like this for the first time in your life, and you will look back on it only to smile, and maybe a few tears will well up in your eyes to remind you of how much it really did change your life.

oh, to be a teenage wanderlust.

x,

R.

well.

another photo taken on camp, at a dead end: the edge of a cliff. followed by a traipse back through the bushes, through what we'd just gone through.

there comes a stage just after denial. where you find yourself smiling a little again.

you could even laugh about it now. just not quite yet.

forgetting more than you remember. 

maybe eating.

possibly sleeping.

but still breathing.

if you don't read this, at least read from the analogy onwards, it may just prove to be intriguing.

[[you know i'm joking about the eating part, right? [[disclaimer: i'm not encouraging lack of eating/promoting it. more so if you break up, you have no one to bother looking good for. you only live once, anyway, so eat healthy but don't be uptight about it]] everyone knows a break up means buckets of ice cream, almost certainly more than average  and most probably a whole box of kleenex]] 

well. i didn't have a whole tub of ben + jerry's. frankly because here in sydney it's a trek to go find ben + jerry's. i ate just one white chocolate magnum off the stick. broke the stick, and threw it away.

i haven't been able to sleep properly for 2 years now. so inability to sleep is not a symptom in my eyes.

and now that my eyes are finally starting to clear from the blurring tears, i'm remembering to breathe again.

the deep breaths you so foolishly, stubbornly refused to even experiment with. [[this is not directed to my readers]] this has always been a good way to calm yourself down. what with more oxygen to the brain, etc.

really, the only stage at which you can't breathe is when you can't bring yourself to it, through the tears.

and once that's over you're pretty much in the clear, right? 

to infinity and beyond! buzz lightyear will take you there!

[[i need sleep, evidently]]

ok, you know what?! let's see what clever little analogy i can pull off here... let me think.

well, see this photo i took on camp?

well... you could say you're at the edge of the cliff now. you started the journey, excited, buzzing, full of energy. the first bit was the best, the easiest, the smoothest. but came the small problems you had to overcome - spiky bushes, plants whacking at your face as you traipse around, confused nevertheless, as you may always be. and it doesn't matter that you don't know where you're going, for now the journey's pleasant, the plants are easy to walk through despite what may be your petty complaints.

then you find yourself at a dead end. 

a misery-filled, dark and possibly deadly swamp, with thousands of swarming mosquitoes,  leeches, your biggest trial yet. and how are you going to get through without damaging your equipment, and belongings? you can't. so you go through it anyway because you've looked for every other road to take, and there just isn't one. this time round, maybe you're not so lucky. maybe it's the only way. you feel your legs become covered in muck. up to your waist. and you know for sure the burden on your back is only going to get heavier, and dirtier. but you keep going through. 

this i the worst part. there's no way out. it's the end and you're starting to lose sight of light. 

but! through the trees there's a path. your heart surges as you feel the release. the dirt comes off. your pack seems lighter. what lies ahead seems an even more beautiful path than the one you first took. 

because maybe that path wasn't meant to be. 

where this new path is headed, that's your decision.

if you're not getting this, take it allll in metaphorically. 
[[personally i think it's pretty fab being made up on the spot in just a few minutes]]

toodles...

sorry about the recent rambles, i know they're boring... unlike pretty pictures. well, i have a few of my photographical experiments lined up for you tomorrow, so heads up! 

 oh, have i mentioned yet? SUMMMERRRR!
one of my best friends, edwina, dyed my tips the other day. they're currently blonde but i'm looking at some semi-permanent blues/pinks. just for a little fun. yeah, how conformist, but i honestly had nothing to do.
[[this makes me sound bipolar. one second i'm deep/emotional/writing about it all, the next i'm hyper because of hair?]]

back.

hey guys!

i'm back! -insert gasp- [[i hope]]

so there are a few things that have happened over the past two weeks. it's almost exactly two weeks since i last blogged. 13 days off, but i'm doing this at night, and i'm not sure whether that counts for anything. 

first of all, how is everybody?

 i'm feeling rather random, perhaps a little confused/lost/not sure [[see what i mean?]] 

well, i went to the circus on the 17th. the Great Moscow Circus, which arrived in town recently. it was pretty spectacular and a nice way to end the school term before we all headed off to camp. 

these colours were unintentional, but oh how lovely they are

two days later, i boarded a bus which i would then spend the next ten hours of my life in. 

oh, joy. it was a strange trip, and thinking back to it now, i don't really remember much. i savoured my music. it wasn't really my music, but it was my friend's iPod, which i had previously synced my music library with. i savoured the food i was cramming into my mouth, knowing full well the next 6 days involved ingredients such as powdered milk, microwave rice [[which was cooked/charred in a wok]], salami, cheese, etc. [[so looking back on it now, they're not so bad]]

during the week we climbed rocks while carrying 20kg packs, which consisted of everything we were to sleep in, wear, eat, drink, and cook with. oh, and climb with. 

the water we drank was retrieved from wherever possible, and on one night we even ran out. 

hiking through bushes while countless branches scratched your skin raw. the unbelievably searing pain running through your legs.

silly ones, this is exactly why i chose to participate in this camp! 

56 kilometres of sheer will power. did i mention it was all along the Victorian coast? pretty darn adventurous. so while i may seem like i'm whining, or complaining, [[and by the way, i have reason to be doing so, i still cannot walk properly]], it was pretty much one of the best experiences i've had.

i learnt to deal with different characters, with perception and with challenge. 

in the end, i may just will definitely choose to do something as crazy as the past week again. 

and by the way, miley cyrus, it's not always an uphill battle. sorry to have to break it to you, but there comes a real problem when you're at risk of tumbling to certain death falling/slipping/sliding onto a mass of rocks from the top of a sandy hill. 

if you thought Bondi Beach was a hike on a Sunday morning, you just try hiking along this beach, [[i.e. the one we did]], interpreting the map incorrectly, and subsequently realising you'd covered about 3cm, rather than 10. [[this translates to: you've done 3km, not 10km, and you still have another 17 to go]]. 

anybody else out there tried wandering aimlessly in a river for 2km, trying to find the shallowest route to take? loved it.

so the moral of this "story" is, nothing. but i must tell you all, i now truly understand the meaning of "Where is My Mind"- Pixies. i almost lost my mind hiking endlessly along the beach on that last day, and it was the only song running through my head while doing so. my head really did almost collapse with nothing in it. 

rena. 

[[sorry about the text heavy post, i hope you enjoy the pretty colours of the pictures]]

*this begs the question* why didn't i just set up a post queue? i guess i was a bit busy. if the photos from the disposable turn out somewhat awesome, which is what i'm hoping for, i'll scan them for you guys.

enjoy your weekend/hope yours was excellent (:

did i mention i'm finally on holiday? wooh! today the love + i took a ridonculously 

[[that's not a real word, international readers :D]] awesome trip down to the...

you guessed it...

beach! 

being 15 we did what all 15 year olds do: build sand castles, eat mint/choc chip ice-cream, dig sand holes and bury each other. no photos though.
-jaw drop-

all original photography, by me.

knuckle sandwich.

taking a selfy of a hand is no simple feat

so today i found the charger for the camera. i once again did not have time to
shoot the outfit post i wanted to, sadly.
why is that? i had to sort out my wardrobe for spring. and let me tell you now, there are items in there i forgot i even had. the goal for me now is to circulate/wear each piece
 at least once these coming months, before the next sort out/clean up.

well, here's a picture of my ring + the love's together, i hope that's somewhat sufficient, for now.
we're very different in terms of style...but i guess mine was just a spur of the moment-girly-thing.
this picture isn't doing either of the rings justice, though. 

i think i'm beginning to exhaust. so i may just be 15, and apparently it will get worse, but does anyone, anyone out there have some way to get to sleep?

some way to stay asleep?

i love my sleep, but my body won't let me have it. i wake up ooh, say 1-3 times on average, per night.
it's irritating.

and now spring has arrived with it's *lovely* pollen, and hay fever has come my way. 

i won't stop posting though, but this blog may stray a little from fashion for the time being...

rena.

random harvest.

starring: greer garson, ronald colman.

i watched this movie tonight. it was a work of art. i absolutely loved it, circularity being the main theme.

it tells the story of a man who lost his memory during world war 1, and a music hall dancer who found him on the streets of melbridge... and that's all i'll leave you with. oh, keep a look out for the
 book as well.

you must watch this 1942 classic. closer to the end you'll see greer garson donning a lovely fur coat. and ronald colman is absolutely amazing in it, especially at the beginning.

rena.

my kids.

what i've been up to in my holidays so far. my kids: aka. my friends, like one big happy family. the photos are taken by miscellaneous members of the kids, while we sat and watched clerks and spongebob, listened to crazy good music, talked, laughed, loved, and most importantly lived. crazy kids? warm blankets? curling up? copious amounts of baked goods? winter holidays, thankyou. 

and eeyore on my head.

the aperture is a bit low, the lighting is weird, it's the memories, but it's something i want to remember. 

xx rena.

i'm wearing [what you can see]

1*a lovely blue knit from Junk Clothing

2*necklace from Glebe Markets