well.

another photo taken on camp, at a dead end: the edge of a cliff. followed by a traipse back through the bushes, through what we'd just gone through.

there comes a stage just after denial. where you find yourself smiling a little again.

you could even laugh about it now. just not quite yet.

forgetting more than you remember. 

maybe eating.

possibly sleeping.

but still breathing.

if you don't read this, at least read from the analogy onwards, it may just prove to be intriguing.

[[you know i'm joking about the eating part, right? [[disclaimer: i'm not encouraging lack of eating/promoting it. more so if you break up, you have no one to bother looking good for. you only live once, anyway, so eat healthy but don't be uptight about it]] everyone knows a break up means buckets of ice cream, almost certainly more than average  and most probably a whole box of kleenex]] 

well. i didn't have a whole tub of ben + jerry's. frankly because here in sydney it's a trek to go find ben + jerry's. i ate just one white chocolate magnum off the stick. broke the stick, and threw it away.

i haven't been able to sleep properly for 2 years now. so inability to sleep is not a symptom in my eyes.

and now that my eyes are finally starting to clear from the blurring tears, i'm remembering to breathe again.

the deep breaths you so foolishly, stubbornly refused to even experiment with. [[this is not directed to my readers]] this has always been a good way to calm yourself down. what with more oxygen to the brain, etc.

really, the only stage at which you can't breathe is when you can't bring yourself to it, through the tears.

and once that's over you're pretty much in the clear, right? 

to infinity and beyond! buzz lightyear will take you there!

[[i need sleep, evidently]]

ok, you know what?! let's see what clever little analogy i can pull off here... let me think.

well, see this photo i took on camp?

well... you could say you're at the edge of the cliff now. you started the journey, excited, buzzing, full of energy. the first bit was the best, the easiest, the smoothest. but came the small problems you had to overcome - spiky bushes, plants whacking at your face as you traipse around, confused nevertheless, as you may always be. and it doesn't matter that you don't know where you're going, for now the journey's pleasant, the plants are easy to walk through despite what may be your petty complaints.

then you find yourself at a dead end. 

a misery-filled, dark and possibly deadly swamp, with thousands of swarming mosquitoes,  leeches, your biggest trial yet. and how are you going to get through without damaging your equipment, and belongings? you can't. so you go through it anyway because you've looked for every other road to take, and there just isn't one. this time round, maybe you're not so lucky. maybe it's the only way. you feel your legs become covered in muck. up to your waist. and you know for sure the burden on your back is only going to get heavier, and dirtier. but you keep going through. 

this i the worst part. there's no way out. it's the end and you're starting to lose sight of light. 

but! through the trees there's a path. your heart surges as you feel the release. the dirt comes off. your pack seems lighter. what lies ahead seems an even more beautiful path than the one you first took. 

because maybe that path wasn't meant to be. 

where this new path is headed, that's your decision.

if you're not getting this, take it allll in metaphorically. 
[[personally i think it's pretty fab being made up on the spot in just a few minutes]]

toodles...

sorry about the recent rambles, i know they're boring... unlike pretty pictures. well, i have a few of my photographical experiments lined up for you tomorrow, so heads up! 

 oh, have i mentioned yet? SUMMMERRRR!
one of my best friends, edwina, dyed my tips the other day. they're currently blonde but i'm looking at some semi-permanent blues/pinks. just for a little fun. yeah, how conformist, but i honestly had nothing to do.
[[this makes me sound bipolar. one second i'm deep/emotional/writing about it all, the next i'm hyper because of hair?]]

example.

original photography by me. disposable camera on camp.

hello everybody! and hello summer.

although sydney was greeted by a lovely rainstorm yesterday, which has been and will be the lookout for the entire/rest of the week.

this is an example of 21st century teenage angst:

a;lsdkfj aw;oetriuadlbs,bnlskcxc,.mfqw;oituweoti12-45utior3ejkbs dg;jklsdg;lh

when it gets annoying, relief can be found by flexing your arms and smashing your keyboard.

this is an example of more 21st teenage angst:

some, i stress the some, boys are nice. others are the sexist pigs who want sandwiches, and who also judge us by how much fat we have in our chests. 

children, that is why we fall for them.

this summer is not looking great. way to be a pessimist. is it called being cynical when you know you're being pessimistic, you know it, but you don't want to change?

wait no, that's arrogance. 

toodles.

but summer! beachy days and never ending days have come a hollerin'!

just so you know.

you can also find me on tumblr, which is full of my own original material, no reblogging.

and follow me on bloglovin' too!

i swear swear swear i'll find a good giveaway. with all the recent happening's i'm not exactly the party animal right now.

i sound bitter. so be it.

toodles.

oh, and here's a repetitive, non-rhyming poem...

It doesn’t matter that the ground is cold,

It doesn’t matter that the ground is hard.

It matters that you can’t feel yourself,

Between the tears.

It’s when you lose yourself,

In all the confusion.

When you finally stop to ask yourself,

Why?

That moment, the one moment,

When what you thought would be warm arms to run into,

Crashes.

The moment it turns to dust and rubble.

The hour it hurts so much,

Is the hour you cry your heart out.

The hour you lie by yourself,

There’s silence.

The days you’ll waste,

Thinking about all those times.

The times you loved everything,

Without a single doubt.

The weeks it’ll take,

The weeks you know it will take,

For just some of the pain to dull,

For your pillow to stop wiping away your tears.

The time it’ll take,

For you to stop crying yourself to sleep.

The time it’ll take,

For your battered heart to pick itself up.

i don't know what to call it...

any ideas? this is usually my saying 'hey, it rhymes, i'm a lyrical genius'
but sometimes in life there is no rhyme, and no reason. so for no reason i made this poem  unrhyming. take that, word, i'm just going to add my own vocab.
gah, this blog is just turning into some depressed chick who listens to random music's place of whining. a whinehouse. [[harharharharhar...]] i'll pick myself back up soon. i think.

deal with it.

photo by my best friend, catherine, while we were on camp. again.

oh, and what could this be?

another lost cause, perhaps even a completely stupid one.

i'm just a teenager. but just because i'm a teenager, it doesn't mean that i don't have feelings. in the best way to say this, i have feelings, i just don't know how to deal with them properly. yet. 

so looking at that, you can probably guess what's going on, right?

for those who laugh, or those who dismiss lost cases of teenage love, either you've forgotten how much it seemed to hurt when it happened to you, or you've never felt it.

what feeling? when it's tearing at you from the inside, and you can't save yourself. 

when he gives you the world's most recycled reason. 

when you're completely alone, and the only thing you want is a hug. from him. 

it's so close, but it's so far away. in your mind you know the impossibility it is.

the worst thing is, we're both just confused. couldn't it have waited? patience?

ironically, i'll probably look back on this and laugh. a lot. but there's a side of me that will never forget, unless i become an amnesiac. 

and your friends tell you it's not the end of the world. 

you tell them you know it's not, but who are you trying to convince?

and even more importantly, what are you going to do when for half a year, he was your world?

toodles. 

lucky for me, time's healing these wounds fast, and i'm already starting to resuscitate myself, sensibly.
there's nothing else i can do. 

confines.

photo by my best friend, catherine, while we were on camp.

today i’m not ready to take on responsibility.

 for once just let it go. 

i’m not ready for the confines of being grown up. 

so for now just let me be so. 

just a little something i made and posted on tumblr a few minutes ago. [[sad, this conformity, i know]]

the truth is, that. that is the truth. 

i wake up thinking one day, maybe, i'll just realise the importance of some things. maybe i'll just start to understand why. what you don't realise, is that i already do, and have, for along time.

it's because other times, i can't do anything but choose not to care. and only when i step back do to take a look do i realise the sheer stupidity of some of my actions. 

but maybe it hit me today when i was on the phone and my younger sister told me to get off. funny thing is, i haven't used the phone for a long time. even funnier is how i so easily let my little sister trample over my emotions and ruin my day. far out. she told me to take some responsibility, to grow up, and take some of  the stress off of my mom's shoulders. and if i were as mature as she is, i probably would have listened. but i'm still awake despite everything, even though i know i have my english, as well as my latin exam tomorrow. that's right, latin.

eugepae! [[hurray]]

i'm going to write a history practice essay tomorrow night. i haven't done anything. this feels bad. crap. 

it's like i just had an epiphany amidst writing this. 

toodles.


i hope you've realised the irony of the picture i've used today: simply because it seems to have no confines, contradictory to my subject matter... i had my art exam today. never thought i'd be writing so much in the short little hour that it was.

'don't worry, it's a psychological test. you're automatically exempt.' - daria morgendorffer

picture off children of the nineties

pop.

right about now, my brain is telling me two things: 

1*rena, your life will hardly depend on whether you know this co-ordinate geometry or not

2*wow rena, you actually managed to study for 2 hours on co-ordinate geometry, which you will never need in any career you choose to pursue. 

oh, and maybe 3*rena, you are so cool, voicing your thoughts regarding co-ordinate geometry on your blog. 

there is a strange phenomenon occurring on my blog: i'm losing followers daily. luckily this doesn't bother me very much, and i'll still be concocting strange pop culture allusions and random thoughts
for you on a regular basis.

i can't wait until the end of next week. right now there's a huge surge in anticipation for my upcoming exams, and as i told my friend, still a 'huge vacuole of crap i'm not bothered to revise', but i know i really should. oh what garbage i'm rambling about.

however, exciting news! as some of you  may know, 'Daria', yes the 1997 MTV show, was released on dvd in may, earlier this year. well, teehee, i just ordered myself a set on ebay. 

that includes all 5 seasons, and the two movies. i'm so excited. 

oh yes, i found this picture off 'Children of the 90s', a kickass blog full of all you need to know about growing up in the 90's. if only i'd been born a few years earlier. enough to be able to appreciate radiohead from the beginning, or even the dandy warhols [[1993]].
and if you know me well enough another reason to love daria is the music involved: radiohead, my favourite silverchair song-'freak', splendora, blur, etc. 

anywho, save the 90's obsession for a rainy day [[oh wait - it is]]

toodles.

*oh yeah, the reason i put a picture of jane rather than daria is for one very good reason: i am very much like her. not deadbeat enough to be completely expressionless, but i still wear a plain expression on my face on a day to day basis [[sad, yes? ehh]].
her room is cluttered with paints/drawings/sketches.
wanna check mine out?
on the contrary, rather than trying to allegorically fit my life with jane's,
i'm just going to sit here, and sulk, and pretend i'm as cool as her. [[i'll have to explain this - low self esteem - huge point in daria - hope all those daria fans out there got my point]]
but! in real life, i happen to constantly wear a cynical, questioning look on my face.
this is true because during my mid-exam 1 hour procrastination period today, [[oh which i spent the entire time cramming as much daria in as possible]], my own mother came in and took a look at my screen, after which she proceeded to comment casually 'that girl reminds me of you, especially the way you talk, and especially the way you talk to me.' luckily my parents are also rather oblivious...
hopefully you'll never have to meet me, then.

affordable.

not sure about the trousers price wise, but the jacket is 86.99USD. 

necklace is 28.99, which i quite like.

hey all,

sadly, i've fallen ill with influenza. therefore i have not the energy to assemble my camera and tripod, nor the face, to shoot you a quick outfit post. although my idea was cool, and being sick probably enhanced the effect, my muscles are aching, so i'll have to postpone it for some other day. 

meanwhile i've done some browsing on two Korean-based online shopping websites, storets.com and yesstyle.com 

check out these trousers! 45.99USD. i want an outfit post like this, but my hair won't go like that. oh well, i prefer my hair grungey as opposed to curlygirly..

one of my friends suggested yesstyle.com to me a while back, and they awesomely enough have an australian website too! as for storets, they always have affordable basics i like to take a look at.

*please note i never buy any clothing. but if i were to, these look like pretty reasonable prices -smiley-

here's a clearer picture of the necklace, 28.99USD if not, head onto the storets.com website.

it's in the sale section!

55.80USD, 66.96AUD.

i love the colour of this blouse! if i can't find one here, i'm going to buy this one. [[it's off yesstyle.com]]

i'm pretty sure the fits on both websites are relatively small, so i'm not sure how i would go. [[i'm not the typical petite asian]] *i'm not one prone to stereotyping, but in this case it's reflexive. 

toodles.

*i usually don't look on Korean websites, but there are some nice basics/generic styles that everyone has as staple pieces. plus, they're really good with their shoots, they have extremely detailed/multiple photos of each style and colour, almost like when you're purchasing shoes online. did i mention, i also like checking American Apparel for basic pieces i can manufacture. myself. with a sewing machine. my heads' in another world today. double rainbow! [[i'm so obsessed, it gets me high, i'm not sure why]] [[that rhymed, i'm a genius]] [[that's self conceited]]