Saturday, August 7, 2010

it's midnight.

this photo makes me look silly. so be it. it's not very flattering either.
it's midnight, on a friday night. 
that makes it a saturday.
 the lights are out, and all i hear is silence. it's loud. 
like a thunder in my ears. there's something missing, but i can't quite put my finger on it.
 i dare not turn the music on, someone may hear me. outside the chilly winter breeze is blowing the few stray leaves lying around along the ground, and a scraping noise suddenly comes by. 
though not a busy street, there's still a car that comes by every half hour or so. 
the eeriness slowly creeps up to me. i don't know how much longer i can sit here. i don't know how much longer i can take the constant rolling around. the constant inability.
the inability to sleep.
they call it insomnia. it's nothing unusual. i've had it my whole life. 
it's nothing unusual. mother has it too. 
it's nothing unusual. father doesn't sleep either.
but my sister has long drifted off to another world; the dream world. she's lucky. she gets to sleep. off in  trance, she won't be woken 'til morning.
a million thoughts i can see, running through my mind. when will they tire? when will they leave me alone? bothersome little things. 
in a way, they're like people. you might like some of them. but others you can't stand. 
you learn to deal with some of them, others you dismiss.
is this post not just a rambling on of my thoughts?
is this not just like a group of people? you like some of the things i say. others annoy you. like...
when people ask what if? it makes me feel like punching them. 
hopefully that doesn't sound too aggressive or violent. but then again, billy corgan is an aggressive man, and he's still damn impressive. 
at the same time, this is annoying. my heated blanket is ten years old. it's either too hot or too cold. 
but the air is somewhat cool. i can't uncover myself. it makes me feel vulnerable.
like i'm hiding. maybe there's something under my bed.
or maybe i'm trying to scare myself.
either way, it's ten minutes past midnight now. i just wasted ten minutes of my life, that i'll never get back.
ten minutes of my life i could've spent doing something else. but i didn't. i chose to write this.
because this is just an example.
of one of the little thoughts that passes through my mind.
when i can't sleep.
and sleep comes every night. so i just don't sleep. 
it angers mother. father's elsewhere. overseas. and the sister's asleep.
so i'm this 'strange child'. yes, that's how they refer to me.
they tell me i'm a free spirit. i'll take that as a compliment, though they may not see it as one.
they tell me i'm crazy. well so be it. 
it's not too late, is it?

xx rena.


Anonymous said...

i really like your random thoughts and you pics!

Anonymous said...

nice! I like the whole "these are people" angle.

Big Daddy said...

Love this necklace!

Eloise In NY said...

You have such a lovely blog. Thanks for your comment too. *follows now!* Hope you have a lovely weekend

Ezzie said...

cool necklace! & lovee the black top~

SJ said...

haha that's rather adorable.
thank you for the comment :) you're blog is nice. will follow too.

Gem said...

Love your blog, following! x

jamie-lee said...

I've been struggling to sleep, well, more like waking up at 4am? very cute blog btw x